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About Madison Lynn

Madison Lynn

Madison Lynn

Madison Lynn Glyttr is a writer, performer and devout anti-everythingist from Detroit. She spends her time doing crosswords and writing stories about madness, mythology and language. Also she can play the singing saw and her dog is the Best Dog. She has a few 'zines including a monologue called Alecto and a collection of prose called I’d Like to Bash Back Please If That’s Okay With Everyone. She writes online at a blog called V’WYLLYSS.

Posts By Madison Lynn

On Bravery and Baby Sloths, in Four Parts

July 8, 2011 | 19

Part 1: The Customer

Life in the service industry is a perpetual exercise in opposition. The servers versus the kitchen. Employees versus management. The cost of living versus the crushing reality you are only making $2.65 an hour plus tips. But there is no rivalry so intense, so fundamental to the life of a waitress as the war between server and customer.

Customers are terrible people. They are cruel, selfish creatures devoid of humanity. The Customer feasts on your soul (cooked medium-medium-well with lo-cal gluten free ranch dressing on the side) and only after The Customer’s desire for destruction is sated will The Customer complain to management and demand free dessert. Don’t take this personally. I’m sure you’re a wonderful and caring human being outside the walls of your favourite bars and cafes. Really, I’ve heard nice things about you. But the thing to understand is this: the moment you walk through the front door of that eco-friendly vegan chop house you love so very much, you turn in to The Enemy. It doesn’t matter who you are. Upon entry into a restaurant, even the most loving and harmless person in the world becomes the kind of person who would punch a baby sloth in the mouth for a side of caesar dressing.

Have you ever seen a baby sloth in a restaurant before? No? Now you know why. It’s because of Customers.
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