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New Girl In Town

New Girl In Town
Alice Doyle

Disclosure in Mississippi usually involves counseling a dude through the five stages of grief.

Last night a Marc Jacobs look-alike with a caesar haircut messaged me on OKCupid to tell me that he wanted to fuck. I was flattered but occupied, probably getting ready for bed by brushing my hair 100 times and reciting scripture. Ignoring handsome men is a really valuable technique because they’re usually not prepared for it and it doesn’t take very long for them to get desperate and up the stakes to get your attention. About an hour after his first message–right on schedule–“Marc” messaged again, this time sweetening the deal a little: “I really want my head between your legs. I have a really big hoop in my schlong.” I responded approvingly and–because he hadn’t actually read my profile–he asked if I wanted to meet him at his apartment in Brooklyn.

In about two weeks I’m flying to New York for my first experience inside the liberal bubble, and in an effort to streamline the process of meeting either one or many perfect NY dates, I set my location to NYC on OKCupid and let the guys come to me. I’ve been on OKCupid for years, but all that means for a trans woman in Mississippi is having to field a lot of vulgar questions about my gender and my body from countless inarticulate townies. All of my hard feelings about it melted away once I started getting cruised by NYC’s queer conscious liberal men folk.

I’ve found a number of different ways to prepare for my trip emotionally, including overeating, buying clothes on credit, and scrutinizing my naked body for new flaws to fixate on, but none of those methods are quite as helpful as setting up dispassionate liaisons with strangers I meet on the internet. Oh, dear reader, how I am excited to meet the rakish liberal arts majors ensconced in New York’s crummy apartment buildings, waiting for the perfect response to their Casual Encounters ads.

We exchanged some pictures my mama would be embarrassed to see.

When I told Marc that I wasn’t in the city yet, I decided it was also a good time to tell him that I’m trans, because I like to get it out of the way as early as possible in any communiqué wherein the goal is organizing a tryst. Marc was surprised and a little doubtful but completely amiable about it. We then exchanged some pictures my mama would be embarrassed to see.

Disclosure in Mississippi usually involves counseling a dude through the five stages of grief–often spending the greatest amount of time on anger and the least on acceptance. So far, disclosing to my NYC suitors has been either a complete non-issue or has bummed them out, which is an entirely new experience. One incredibly cute tall-haired DJ complained that fat women were never interested in him because he’s so thin, citing “gender roles or something” as the likely excuse. This was somewhat poetic when he (very, very sweetly) told me that he wasn’t interested in trans women and thanked me for my honesty. Not to be all The Hussy about it, but I kinda felt bad for him that he wasn’t going to get to fuck me! I was really rooting for him.

The slim, swarthy activist who wanted to spank me just stopped talking altogether when I told him, which I guess is a relatively elegant way to let someone know you no longer want to hit them for your own gratification. One kind of scruffy greaser type, who’d introduced himself to me by asking if I would indulge some complicated fantasy involving forceful cunnilingus, was unmoved by the revelation. If it changed the nature of his fantasy, he didn’t tell me, but I eventually got bored by his youthful enthusiasm.

One dude, whose proudly highlighted mop embarrassed me so much I could scarcely appreciate his thick and stubbled jaw, did tell me that I was “gross,” but he was also polite enough to say “bye” before he blocked me. I respected him in kind by not saying anything about the hair. The 20 year old college student has gone dark since I told him, and even though I was kind of looking forward to working my witchy magick on his dopey ass, I don’t miss him. He was exhaustively persistent and trying to match his fun-20-year-old vibe was really making me feel my age. I think it might have hurt my feelings to put on as much under eye concealer as I’d need for that particular hook-up.

A tall thick necked actor has emerged on whom I’ve decided to pin most of my aspirations. How he’ll respond to the news remains to be seen, but I need you all to cross your fingers that we will be wed by the time I’m meant to board my return flight to Mississippi. If he’s not interested in my company once he finds out I guess I’ll just call the “Volvo-driving Bernie Sanders socialist” that didn’t give a shit, or drunkenly sit too close to one of the girls I want to kiss.

I don’t think I’ll be hooking up with Marc, though his dick piercing actually was huge and he proved it by sending me a very pleasing .mov. His interest in me waned when I wouldn’t Skype with him and he was reduced to jerking off alone to a selection of my lousy Photo Booth nudes. Considering the fact that his was among my more promising OKCupid exchanges, you should probably just cross your fingers for me either way.

You can check Alice out for yourself by visiting her OKCupid Profile.


  1. Judas

    Sending you love, darling Alice. We’re all grown up now.

    • Isn’t it so weird? We’re adults now!

      • Judas

        Gahhhhh!!!!!!! :)

  2. I lived for every line of this!


    • Thank you thank you thank you! I had great editors.

  3. We are 11% enemies on OKCupid.

    I am going to have to ask that 11% to please excuse my beauty.

    • I think it’s just because we both think we’re the prettiest girls in the world, and OKCupid senses that we are femme competition. Let’s braid each other’s hair and bond so we can ease the tension.

  4. Eric Smith

    Oh what did I ever do to set you down such a lecherous path? Unknowingly, sure; nonetheless it is my doing in some ways. Oh well, I guess I’ll get my turn again some day.

    • Oh, mysterious Eric Smith, maybe you will get your turn! I forgive you for turning me into a ho and I respect your willingness to accept responsibility for it.

  5. Wow Alice, this was magical. Living in Detroit (and trying and failing miserably to date whenever I reveal my trans status) makes me relate so hard to every word of that.

    Living in a narrow-minded community makes dating as a trans person really hard (and gives dates/hookups while traveling out of town an uncomfortable level of importance, at least for me) and it’s easy to forget that having almost comically unsuccessful experiences dating does not mean I’m not a babe–it’s really hard to talk about, though, in a way that doesn’t feel shameful and make me feel like I’m labeling myself as a non-babe loser. I really really appreciate you writing all of this because it feels really empowering to read such a hot babe as yourself writing about experiences that hit so close to home.

    <3 jack

  6. Jayinchicago

    Those bros are really missing out. :)

  7. Alice, this was really beautiful. *fingers crossed* all the way!

  8. Gus Allis

    It like, kind of breaks my tender lady heart that you’re straight, ngl.

    • “or drunkenly sit too close to one of the girls I want to kiss”!

  9. Valerie Keefe

    I came out online (while pre-transition) and got IP banned without so much as a word of explanation. That was fun.

    • Valerie Keefe

      On OK Cupid, just to mention.

      • What?!

        • If enough people think your user picture doesn’t match your stated gender (there’s a tool on the site that any established user can use to help evaluate flag reports), OkCupid can and will ban you. I don’t know if that’s why, though.

          • Valerie Keefe

            1. That’s awful.

            2. That’s almost certainly what happened.

          • Jayinchicago

            wow that’s fucking bullshit.

            • Yeah, it seems to be considered evidence that the picture is of somebody else (which isn’t allowed), but I’ve seen specific flagging comments with tropes like “deceptive” or “misrepresentation”.

              • Jayinchicago

                I forgot that trans people are naturally deceptive. Silly me.

                • Of course! When I was reviewing flag reports I tried to annotate those ones as “no violation, we don’t gender-police”. Not sure how well the message got through.

                  • Valerie Keefe

                    Not well enough in 2009 it seems.

                • Valerie Keefe

                  Yeah, I was completely open about my pre-transition status… Verrrrry deceptive just by drawing breath.

                  • Yeah, just goes to show you that most people looking at OkCupid don’t really read the profile.

          • Jayinchicago

            wait, I’m curious about this. I never got into okcupid in any big way. you are saying that you could evaluate reports people had made about other users, that is people who weren’t you? could you evaluate any complaints against your own profile? and did evaluating a complaint automatically dismiss it or at least set that into motion? I’m fascinated by this now.

            • If you have a long-standing account you should be able to go to:


              Right, it lets you evaluate reports people have made about other users (not you). I assume if someone complains about you (possibly, enough times), you won’t be able to access flagmod anymore. The way the evaluation thing works is if enough different people agree (IDK how many or if it has to be unanimous) that a photo or profile is a violation of the terms of service, then the photo or profile gets deleted automatically. If different evaluators disagree, it’s not. Like lots of Internet companies, OkCupid is made up of lazy people who want to save money, and that means never paying employees money to do work that users will do for free. I don’t think they intend their policy of “picture has to be of you” to encourage gender-policing, but in practice, it happens, and I doubt they care enough about their trans users to stop it.

              • Jayinchicago

                thanks for explaining that, tim.

                • If you want to know something even worse, it turns out that if someone flags a comment of yours on Facebook as abusive, and it’s deleted (by their underpaid workers in Istanbul or wherever who review flags for them), but it didn’t actually violate their terms of service, there’s no recourse and no technical way for Facebook to undelete it even if you reach them. (And yes, I learned this from a Facebook employee.) So basically, anytime you make a pro-trans comment on Facebook, a transphobe could report it as “abusive” and if the probably-not-trans-aware employee who reviews the report agrees, it’s gone forever.

  10. Danielle Macdonell

    I think you’ll do just fine, ‘though I’m sure I’m not the only one who hopes you’ll give us girls a chance too. I hope you found the Big Fat Flea market in NYC last week (and check out NOLOSE too). Keep writing.

    Bonne chance from the wet coast,


    • Trust me, the ladies are on my radar! I’m not cruising them like meat, which is my custom with the menfolk (so sorry, boys), but I’m watchin’ y’all. xoxo!

      • Danielle Macdonell

        Momma’s watching right back.

  11. Cyd

    When I traveled through NYC, New Orleans and Denver I left my grindr on with the profile title ‘Transsexual Surprise’ constantly – just to see what people said. Also to get laid, but despite probably over 100 conversations that never happened.

    I loved this story. The only people who message me on OK Cupid are naturally redheaded proud bisexuals, which isn’t really my ‘type’. no shade.

    • Again, no shade, but I know a number of the redheaded proud bisexuals of whom you speak, and we’re not exactly a match either. Other qualities of This Type: Irish pride, a history of failed engagements with short fat cis women, a goatee, a Cannibal Corpse t-shirt/tattoo/profile picture.

      I’m considering something similar to yr Transsexual Surprise thing while I’m actually in NYC + Philly! I’m tired of talking about it by now so I just want people to know, and I also just wanna get banged. (And thanks mister!)

  12. Marlene

    Fingers crossed, babe.

    FYI, some ladies (we know who we are) like being cruised like meat. Just sayin’.

  13. Katie Liederman

    A guy on OK Cupid once told me that he liked to save his calories for baked goods after I’d suggested we go get ice cream.

    Those dudes are lame and you’re not. I’m really excited to meet you.

  14. Colleen Moore

    Hey girl – good luck. I’ve met some interesting guys on Casual Encounters / Misc Romance on CL, you should totes give that a try too.

  15. Linked to your OK Cupid and left you a message. Would love to meet you if you’re in Atlanta!

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