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PrettyQueer.com | January 30, 2015

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All The Proof You Need

All The Proof You Need
The Hussy

Here at the Hussy Hotel, the letters have started rolling in. Since the response has been so phenomenal, it seems prudent to devote one column per month to responding to reader mail. Hence, we open up the Hussy Official Mailbag (or, the HO’bag, if you will) and draw out a letter from a lonesome-hearted soul.

Dear The Hussy,As a fellow femme, I don’t know exactly why I’m writing you, of all people, since I find your politics, your relationship ethics and your general person so onerous on so many levels. But I’m at a crossroads, and I could use some advice. As you seem to be surrounded by a steady stream of sturdy studs, I thought you might have some insight into a problem I’m having with my trans male lover.

Boyfriend and I have been together for years, but he only started physically transitioning a little over a year ago. Since then, it has become increasingly apparent that he is interested in sex with men. I want to keep an open mind – we are both queer and theoretically poly – but I am becoming increasingly concerned that his primary orientation is shifting in a masculine-of-center direction. He is particularly interested in sex with cis men.

I know I should be more open-minded, but I have concerns: about trust, about his safety, and about the possibility of him leaving me for a man. I worry about the long-term sustainability of our partnership, but I love him and I want things to work out. Can this relationship be saved?

Anxiously awaiting your reply,

Mired in Miami Indefinitely

PS: We have not had sex in four months.

My dearest MiMI,

The unenviable position in which you find yourself is one of many an unhappy femme in our communities. You are not alone in this struggle.

Firstly, the thing to come to terms with is that all trans men are gay. The reasons for this are manifold and not fully understood – the most popular theory is that because our lovers are so hyper-testosteronated, the excess of this lovely yet wicked hormone is converted into gayness. This maxim is further borne out by a brief examination of ethnographic sexual behavior. Do a search for the keyword “FTM” in the Craigslist personals section of any major queer US city, and you will see what I mean. By the by, these fellows are often quite on-the-nose with their self-descriptions: 5’9” 180 Filipino masc FTM, had top surgery, live by the airport with two dogs. Girlfriend out of town, doesn’t know I’m doing this. You might find yourself thinking, “I know that guy!”

Like a Mormon housewife struggling with her husband’s same-sex attraction, the stakes here are high. Should you split up? Should you encourage your loved one to explore his urges? How do you deal with the jealousy? Does your relationship have a future? The most important thing right now is to trust your feminine intuition; it will be your guide. If, in the end, it is truly your desire to hang on to that man no matter what the cost, do not lose hope. Here, for you, is a five-step plan to guide you through the gathering storm around your relationship, to the glittering rainbow on the other side.

Step 1: Encourage, but undermine. This is one of the most delicate steps in the plan, but also the most important, because it sets the stage for the rest of the process. There’s a perfect balance you want to strike here: be enthusiastically encouraging about his newfound interest in sodomy – even to the point of unctuousness – but at the same time, you will need to find ways to use homophobia to your advantage, by subtly undercutting his masculinity.

Some moves that might empower you to do this might include but are not limited to: taking on the position of “best girlfriend/faghag”; enthusiastically pimping him out to all your gay friends, especially the ones you are fairly certain will reject him; expressing interests in MMF threesomes, and then backing out at the last minute; demanding all the gory details of his sexcapades while feigning delight as though you are getting a cheap thrill from his tales of heroic homosex; oversharing about his newfound proclivities at dinner parties, ironically noting his former “gold-star” lesbian status — you get the idea.

The idea here is to throw him off his game a little. You want him to be as unsteady on his feet as possible, like a little gay fawn taking his first gay steps toward his first gay bath house. You, taking on an odd combination of the roles of den mother and procurer, will easily be able to lead him around by the nose.

Step 2: Cyberstalk. As surreptitiously as possible, it’s important to know every move your man makes online. While he is most likely loathe to be honest with you about his new-found perversions, he will certainly be up-front with the thousands of men who will check him out on Manhunt, Adam4Adam, Craigslist, Grindr, Scruff, Bear411, Fetlife, Collarme, Alt.com, Adultfriendfinder, etc. It might be a minor education for you to set up profiles on all of these sites in order to immerse yourself in the customs and mores of gay sex culture – you might be surprised at what you find.

Some women I know have even gone so far as to message their newly silly-for-schmekie lovers with an assumed profile, in order to determine what their homo heartthrobs are or are not consenting to in the heat of the moment. This is particularly useful if you are concerned about your partner’s newfound fascination with semen and potential proclivity for barebacking, You might even learn some interesting things about him. Set up several different profiles with several different types of guys, and you will learn quickly what his “type” is, which may be totally different than you thought it was. (Hint: They all want a daddy.) You might even discover that he’s kind of racist! (“Sorry, not into blks or AZNs — just a preference!”)

Be careful with this, because it’s easy to get caught — your man probably knows your writing style and particular verbal tics better than anyone, and it’s easy to unknowingly give yourself away. There’s a fine art to building a fake internet profile, a subject on which yours truly could opine for a whole other column. Suffice to say, the easiest way to not be detected is to rip-off some fag’s online presence whole-cloth, with self-description, pics and everything. Friendster and Myspace are particularly ripe graveyards for your ghoulish profile-robbing needs.

Feel free to take this one step further and read his email. If you know his passwords, use ‘em. If you don’t know them, find ‘em out. A nerd friend can be very helpful here. Ask about key loggers, trojans, and other sneaky ways to hack his private life. Protip: trans women seem to be particularly apt at this.

(Careful, though. You could go to jail.)

Step 3: Start sleeping around yourself. Though certainly, what is good for the goose, etc., your sudden interest in pursuing affairs outside your arrangement will give you some important leverage.

The key here is to play on his insecurities. If it has always been his fear that he is lacking something that cis men have, well, now is the time to look up those gross rockabilly dudes you used to sleep with. On the contrary, if it is your lesbian identity that gives him fits, find the sleaziest butch in town and propose that she box your box. If he fancies himself some sort of alpha dog, find his trans man doppelganger/nemesis (this is usually the same person) and be seen together about town.

It’s important to know here that you don’t actually have to sleep with these folks – in some ways, it is to your advantage if you can plausibly maintain after-the-fact that you did not , which I will explain in the next step. It is the mere suggestion that is important. For instance, an “accidental” tag in a photo of you and your new lover looking lustful on Facebook is always a good spur. Another plan: encouraging your new lover to text you at 1:30am, while you’re in bed with your boyfriend. Pick up the phone, smile, and giggle. If he asks, Who was that?, clearly, your answer is, “Oh, no one.”

The point of these exercise is to normalize power relations between the two of you once again, and to let him know that you are in fact desirable, whether or not he desires you. Also, this transfers some of the panic that you’re feeling right now on to him, which of course can only increase his empathy for you. It is then when it is the perfect time to

Step 4: Contract VD, or an STI, as folks with VD say. This is your check move. Blame it on his gayness. If you have done your due diligence re: Step #2, you will more likely than not have evidence that he has been having some unsafe sex, because people are inevitably skanks when they think no one is looking. You will not even have to use your intel; in fact, it’s better that you don’t. His guilt will be all the “proof” that you need. If as per Step 3, you have maintained the correct balance of performing “desirable” yet remaining plausibly chaste, you will have him locked into a corner. How could you have done this to me? will be your wounded she-wolf cry. Threaten to spread it around the community – the rumor that he gave it to you, not the VD itself, to be clear.

Pick your VD carefully — HIV is a bit dramatic, as is incurable gonorrhea. Better something like blistering, virulent herpes: it’s uncomfortable, it begs treatment, it carries a stigma, it can be passed from vag to vag rather easily. By all means, steer clear of the one truly horrible VD, because not only will it blow your cover, but, well… have you ever seen a baby?

Armed with VD, you can trap your man in a prison of guilt and shame: he feels bad that he has wronged you, and he feels dirty, unlovable. He is one of the sexually fallen; you, on the other hand, are there to bestow on him a Marian love and forgiveness, and to let him know that, chained to your side forever, there is freedom. This in and of itself should do the trick, but if for some reason you still notice his head turning in a hunkwardly direction, it may be time to exercise the nuclear option:

Step 5: If all else fails, move — preferably to a cold rural state where they have domesticated the gays, like Iowa, Vermont, or Saskatchewan. Surrounded by trees, plains and sheep, your lover may pine for a Brokeback butt buddy, but his odds of finding him in these craggy hinterlands are greatly reduced. Far from Miami, with her pro-nudity climate, sexually indiscriminate Speedo models, and randy old Israelites, you two will enjoy an ascetic existence wherein you sublimate all your unfulfilled sexual longing into fixing up that old farmhouse. Trading Miami’s circumcised, Viagra-fueled antique knobs for the Montpelier Restoration Hardware’s faux-antique knobs will be your love’s salvation. There, you two will grow old, your spiritual bliss only temporarily interrupted by the debate over whether to attend IML or IMsL, which will simply be solved by perpetually deferring the trip another year, in favor of using the vacation funds to rent a ditch witch or replace the sump pump.

Now is a great time to start thinking about going to graduate school.

The Hussy is a masochistic emotional switchy bottom, which means she likes it when you send her hate mail. She encourages you to write that HO’bag: hussy@prettyqueer.com. She also invites you to tweet mean tweets @thehussyblog.

Comments

  1. I want to apologize in advance to any readers whom I may have offended, because I realize this is a sensitive issue: I understand that Saskatchewan is a province, not a state.

    • Loved the article before. Now I want to bear your kids… while being perfectly confident that’s physically impossible.

  2. Abbie

    Like a good lover, Hussy, you continue to delight and suprise.

  3. Hahahahahahahhahaahahahahahaha.

    • “silly-for-schmekie”

      THAT WAS A SHOUT-OUT

      • Hussy, can you please come to a Schmekel
        show in disguise so that we can personally serenade you with the most loving, least strident rendition of “Tranny Chaser” ever? You could try Groucho Marx glasses.

  4. Golly Holightly

    +1 heroic homosex reference

    • Yes! Thank you! It is maybe one of my favorite things on the internet. <3 Blaadokz & Krundoun 4 eva <3

      • Julie Blair

        That frot shit traumatized me as a kid. All I dreamed about was 2-litre bottle sized dick up my poon. I didn’t wanna be a WARRIOR. I wanted to be a POWER BOTTOM.

        • Cyd

          Congratulations on living the dream.

          I wanna say that Pretty Queer has officially eclipsed Facebook in providing a forum for titillation, TMI, and nitpicking political infighting. I luv it.

          • Julie Blair

            The “nits” around here might be a little too literal for my liking.

  5. THEY
    *ALL*
    WANT
    A DADDY

    • Though they will sometimes let you call them daddy to sublimate that desire. #respondingtomyself

  6. Tess

    Genius! How To Trap A Gayward Trans Man In 5 Easy Steps.

    #4 is so right on. I had a trans guy partner once tell me that if I gave him an incurable STD that we’d have to get married, shotgun-style, and promise to have sex with each other for eternity. Interestingly enough, he’s also gay with me as the exception. Am I piquing anyone’s controlling and/or codependent fantasies yet? Cue the evil laughter!

    • WOW. Sometimes you write something and you think, maybe this is a little bit out there, and then…

      I love a good tale of codependence, regardlesss. #howcodeepisyourlove

  7. HDH

    I would like to print this out just so I can wipe my ass with it.

    • Somebody needs a spanking from Daddy!

      • HDH

        This piece is not funny. It condones violence and abuse.

        Just because “the hussy” is trans doesn’t mean she gets a fucking pass for making jokes about abusing a partner.
        Abuse is abuse and should not be aimed at anyone even in a poorly done satirical way.

        I was really excited for prettyqueer, but what I have primarily seen is a whole bunch of “cool kids” most of whom know each other from S-O, lj trans snark comms, or from some queer hipster radi-kewl space participate in something akin to a fucking ironic circle jerk cesspool of supposed humor.

        • what

          Do we know for sure that the Hussy is trans? Did I miss something?

          • FTMDC

            I think someone assumed that, but it’s obvious that she can’t possibly be trans. There’s no way that that many trans guys would sleep with anyone who wasn’t a cupcake-wielding, glitter-caked cisgendered femme.

            I hate that it is true, but most trans dudes are scared of trans women for a multitude of obvious/insidious reasons. There is no way the hussy is trans.

            • HDH

              You are wrong. And you should check into the things that make you think that a trans guy would never date a femme IDed trans woman.

            • HDH

              Also, check-in to why you think that a trans woman wouldn’t be “cupcake-wielding” or “glitter-caked” or even “cisgendered” for that matter.

              I think the word that you meant to use was “cissexual”.

          • HDH

            The transternet is a small place. In many, many ways a small place.

            I know who she is.

            • Tess

              Well, no need to share personal details about her any more than you already have, even if you hate PrettyQueer.

            • You are creepy.

              Love,

              The Pot

              • I think your fan here may have just read some really great advice about cyber-stalking.

              • HDH

                I actually really appreciated everything that your last piece evoked. It was emotional, real, snarky in places, yet discussed a relationship dynamic that is challenging/problematic as well as the sort of douchey things a trans guy does with his privilege in relationships with women.

                Respect even though I would use a print out of “all the proof you need” to help me clean up cat vomit off of my floor.

                They can’t all be winners, can they?
                I’ll look forward and curious about what comes next from you.

                <3s,

                The kettle.

  8. Katie Liederman

    “All trans men are gay.” Yup.

    But here’s what they like to say: “I fuck men. I date women.”

    • Julie Blair

      date = argue with

      And furthermore, women are for public. Men are for private. Sure reminds me of something else: msm, “bi”sexual men, gay.com, etc.

      • Snarkysmachine

        I remember when cis femmes who dated trans men started calling themselves “transsensual femmes” (they didn’t know about the spacebar sitch) with straight faces. When pointed out it was fucked up to create a some kind of new marginalized identify for otherwise privileged folks they got mad at me and created their OWN FORUM far away from my skepticism!

        true story.

  9. S.R.

    Maybe for your next column you can give a five-point plan for how cis male chasers can manipulate their trans girlfriends into not getting bottom surgery. Truely, it is to LOL. #thisiswhyidon’tidentifyasqueer

    • Julie Blair

      I would actually love to read that.

      • Abbie

        “I love you as g?d made you.”

  10. Hussy, this is why I love your column:
    — You offer a truly on-point critical look at the behavior of several demographics of people simultaneously, in a way that is always funny
    — You are self-aware and whimsical about your own self-criticism in a way that feels real and human
    — You’re a great writer
    — When I finish reading your articles, I don’t feel shitty, even if I’m in a demographic you’re examining. Instead, I feel amused and contemplative.

    Long live the Hussy!

  11. jay

    You should have worked “the jam” into this somewhere. For lulz.

    • jay

      Or maybe you could get Erika Moen to co-author something with you.

  12. jay

    Alright, after having this piece tattooed on the inside of my eyelids…I have yet another comment. Please bear with me.
    I think part of what you are missing here is the detail that, if we are going to say all trans men are gay–it’s not just trans men, honey. ALL MEN ARE GAY. Or are ‘curious’ or want a blowjob from whoever, or what to know what it’s like to feel a dick in their ass. At least trans men are being honest about our desires, if as you state, trans men are open about desiring men. (Which, whatever. Have you never met a straight homophobic “no homo” trans dude bro?)
    I’ve been out as queer since I was 15, outed as bi on a school bus when I was 13. Do you expect someone with such a history to pretend to be straight because a lady friend might be made uncomfy that I’m not?
    If I make a craigslist ad, at least 20% of the cis men (often self reported “straight”) who reply are looking to get topped. Yeah, that sounds straight to me.

    • Abbie Cohen

      It has long been my suspicion that very few men would bother having sex with women if society didn’t promote heterosexuality so strongly.

    • I definitely took this article as teasing the femme for her possessiveness & discomfort with TEH GAE as much as it was teasing the guy.

      • jay

        Well. obviously I just don’t have a sense of humor. (;

        • Don’t worry, nobody actually has a sense of humor. I was initially totally offended reading this as a trans lady who is terrified of GAY! GUYS! FUCKING! ME! but then I decided to laugh. My sense of humor is purely elective and momentary!

  13. Emotional abuse for the lulz. My biggest fear in relationships certainly does make for some entertaining light reading.

    • Sorry, that came out all wrong. What I meant to say is: What the fuck is this shit?

      • I will assume that this is a rhetorical question, but while we’re talking about our feelings, I will share with you that my biggest fear is coming face-to-face with the demon Sardo Numspa from Eddie Murphy’s 1986 film, The Golden Child:

        Picture 3

        Ugh. It still gives me the heebie jeebies!

      • The Transdouchesculine Asshole

        It may be, more than anything, about the willingness to allow anything of the err “prior life”/”prior gender” to remain in the daily. I mean, this is all about insecurity and passing, and using someone else’s gender to prop up your own. but it’s not actually about me. Or any of the other men in these stories. Hmm.

        • The Transdouchesculine Asshole

          And come on that monster’s cute. I know most of yr biggest fears. And maybe I will bust them out for some lulz. Why not?

  14. S.R.

    I don’t care if you are trans and maybe I’m just not cool or ironic enough to be at the #coolkidstable but a funny how-to guide for emotional abuse and manipulation is a horrible fucked-up thing to put on a supposedly trans-positive webzine, especially mixed in with some really cool and insightful articles. I think the Hussy is an awful person that I would pay dust to if I am ever unlucky enough to meet her. Everyone who likes this toxic garbage in any sense needs to try harder to be people who aren’t fucking awful. I always thought that straight trans men had it easier than straight trans women but this is the first thing to get me to reconsider that stance. In summary, I have the deepest non-ironic contempt for the majority of people involved in this webzine – I’d have a better experience working the strip than reading this toxic shit. #nothingbuthate

    • Wow, I definitely read this article as a CRITICISM of the listed tactics of emotional abuse and stereotypes, similar to Steven Colbert’s speeches in favor of George W. Bush. i.e. Expose the problems via exaggerated pseudo-praise.

      • P.S. If you’re taking the “advice” as sincere, do you really think the Hussy is suggesting getting an STI as a good plan?

      • Tess

        Word up. I also took this essay to be a well-crafted criticism of emotionally abusive responses to a trans guy partner’s fluid sexuality. Based on the comments, I think other readers are on to it, too. Hussy’s humor and writing is just that good and that tight.

        • This piece kinda reminds me of Jonathan Swift’s “A Modest Proposal.” (Satirical advice during famine that Ireland’s poor should eat their kids.)

          • jay

            The difference is, Swift’s proposal to eat Irish babies was obvious though well crafted satire. This relies waayrr too much on what abusive partners *could* do and the tropes people already believe about trans men (that someone our testosterone makes us gay; that our testosterone is totally different than endogenous testosterone; that we need to be monitored lest we do something untoward) while no one was actually going around Ireland eating babies. Everything in the piece has actually happened. The OP can always claim “satire”, “social experiment”, and “performance art” as her get out of Reading Gaol free cards, but if you produce something that even with a wink and a nod condones transphobia, it fucking condones transphobia.
            I’m just thinking maybe the OP doesn’t know trans men as well as she thinks she does. Or maybe she should get out of her social scene for a minute.

            • HDH

              This. Thanks Jay.

            • Hi Jay,

              I’m enjoying your thoughtful comments to this piece very much, even though I read the piece differently.

              Re: abuse — I personally find it useful to see a very clear exposure of a series of manipulative tactics that really get used in relationships, because it makes it clear how fucked up their logic is, and thus easier for me to avoid when I encounter them. I see this article as giving excellent insight to trans guys who may encounter this type of manipulation — i.e. it’s cray, run away.

              I think satire often comes with the danger of being taken at face value. Nature of the beast. Actually, in Swift’s time, a lot of people thought he was serious and got really pissed.

              • jay

                still…no one ate any Irish babies.

                • I think your criticisms are really smart, Jay, and I’m glad we’re having this conversation. I still don’t share your reading of the article, but I understand it.

            • Wow, comparisons to Swift and Wilde. Will you guys write me letters of recommendation for my MFA application process? I’m looking at this really great program in Winnipeg…

          • jay

            (and, if I recall correctly, Swift proposed the English to should eat Irish babies–at a time when Ireland was horribly abused under English rules.)

          • HDH

            Well you or some other “smart” trans guy who is in on the joke should write up a similar piece talking about “undermining” the femininity of a trans woman, emotionally abusing, and stalking her and see how well it goes down on the internet.

            See if someone comes to defend it and compare it to Swift….

            • There are many, many reasons why that would be different.

              As a trans guy myself, who is aware of the fact that we live in a misogynistic, sexist, patriarchal society, I think it’s good for us guys (trans or not) to get our masculinity prodded a bit by things like the Hussy’s satirical blog posts now and then. Does that mean I condone abuse? No, no, no, no. Do I support women writing snarky things about guys on the internet? …Yeah.

              • jay

                Ok, but even this. either it’s satire and she means the opposite of what she says, or it’s snark and she means exactly what she says. I think trying to claim it is both is what’s bothering me most about this–besides the stupid tropes about testosterone, which I would just prefer no one prop up ever.

                I care a lot about things that make it materially harder for me to live as a queer (as in liking dudes mostly) trans man.

                • I hear you, Jay. I’m a completely gay trans man, and my emotional reaction to this article was exactly the opposite of yours. I think this might come down to having very different taste in styles of critical writing, since from all of your comments, it sounds like you and I have exactly the same politics.

                  • HDH

                    You know Lucian, I don’t know your history at all, but it might come down to you never having been in an abusive relationship.
                    Obviously, this is not something that you need to publicize on the internet if it is or isn’t true.

                    But maybe you have a different history that provides you with a differing perspective than the people who are having a negative reaction to this post.

                    • Without getting into my relationship history, I’ll say that I think it’s actually a different reason. My personal way of addressing and coping with difficult or painful situations is through humor. In my own experience, humor is a technique that I can use to give myself a critical distance from my own situation, which then helps me address it. To me, making something a topic of humor does not necessarily belittle its importance — often the opposite.

                      I know that you don’t think this piece is funny, and I’m not trying to convince you to have a different set of emotions.

                • PS — I read the teasing of the guy in the article as actual teasing, but not mean hearted. I read the advice for abuse as completely satirical, and as harsh criticism of homophobia.

              • HDH

                I support women saying snarky things about guys.

                And I get how it would be different in a systematic oppression kind of way.

                But I do not support anyone making sweeping generalizations about any group of people, propping up mythos about a group of people, abuse, or bad writing.

                • I have a strong suspicion that you and I would share the same opinions on most topics that are not this article.

                  • HDH

                    That is most likely true; nevertheless, this article was a poor attempt at satire about a particular relationship dynamic.

                    • I want to reiterate that I think your reading and reaction are valid and understandable, even though I don’t personally share them.

      • HDH

        It isn’t funny.

  15. Tess

    “like a little gay fawn taking his first gay steps toward his first gay bath house” +1

  16. Abbie Cohen

    Q: What does a drag queen have that a trans man doesn’t? A: A sense of humor. Okay, obviously an over-generalization and in poor taste to boot, especially on this forum, but after reading PQ for several weeks, I have begun dividing the contributers, not into male/female, straight/queer, or cis/trans, but rather into those with a sense of humor and those without, as well as those who can appreciate a blog for what its author is expressing about her/himself as opposed to readers who think it’s always about them and their woes.

    Obviously the combination of the probable and the incredible marks Hussy’s blog as a satire. Yes, people do cyberstalk their partners and sleep around to make them jealous, but when Hussy gets to the nuclear option, we know she’s also speaking tounge-in-cheek. Or maybe not. I don’t know anyone who actual contracted a STI to hold on to someone, unless you’re talking about pregnancy, but my girlfriend’s ex did keep trying to get her to move to a farm upstate. The ex actually bought the farm and now lives in rural seclusion with about 200 dogs, cats, rabbits, geese, and probably 2 or 3 human pets as well. People do crazy things for love.

    Please keep in mind that the trans guy is being a dick. A woman can’t compete much against the homosocially men share, so if she loses her man’s loyalty in the sack, she ends up being nothing but his housekeeper. As far as the Hussy herself, I don’t buy that trans men won’t sleep with a trans woman because sexual charisma isn’t something that grows between a person’s legs. Nonetheless, the Hussy definitely thinks like a woman, meaning that she has learned to “normalize the balance of power” through subversion rather than trying to enforce it from a position of privilege, which is something usually learned from living as a woman for a long time, or perhaps growing up as a gay man.

    There’s a thought. Because Hussy is gendered female, I don’t think anyone has suggest she might be one of the gay cis men her correspondent is complaining about. If so, then the joke is on all of us.

    • HDH

      Some trans men ARE drag queens.

      Does your mind = blown?

    • Tess

      “A woman can’t compete much against the homosocially men share, so if she loses her man’s loyalty in the sack, she ends up being nothing but his housekeeper.”

      Since I read your recent essay, Abbie, I know that the homosocial relationships between Orthodox Jewish men were/are hugely important to you, and so I’m going to assume that this is the cultural experience that you’re speaking from. That said, your statement could be read as reducing the value of all women to men to sex and domestic care. Do such patriarchal dynamics exist? Absolutely, but I would not go so far as to say that this is broadly how it works. It’s really offensive and sexist. Furthermore, we, as readers, don’t have enough information about MiMI’s relationship to make these kinds of judgements. They might not live together, he might be the one who does all the housekeeping, they might actually enjoy each others’ company, etc.

      • Abbie Cohen

        Tess, that statement reflects the old joke: “Why did g?d give women vaginas? So men would talk to them.” Yes, there are men who are genuine pussy hounds and there are men, straight or gay, who really enjoy the company of women, and one of them is a dear friend of mine, but most men I have known prefer the company of other men. My neighbor grumps around during his family barbecues, but some nights when his wife and children are away and some of his “boys’ come over and they sit around in the back yard drinking beer and burning ribs, it’s the only time I have seen him happy. I am talking about the kind of comaraderie you see among the firemen on “Rescue Me.” I’m not saying it’s right but many men don’t marry for companionship or even sex, but rather for someone who will take care of them and bear their children.

    • Wendy

      Ugh. Everytime I read something by you Abbie I immediately feel like washing my eyeballs with Comet and steel wool.

  17. Snarkysmachine

    So much this. If you are in VT and haven’t either outsourced a lover or imported one (and you’re queer) you’ll be underfucked until you do.Trust me: I’ve done the legwork.

    Beautiful post.

  18. Zak

    This article is a joke right? If it is, i appologise in advance for the new asshole im about to ream your blog. I mean, you all got a good laugh and most of this advice seems to be the opposite of anything you would want to do to kept your relationship going in the positive direction.
    First of all ALL TRANS MEN ARE ABSOLUTELY NOT GAY! I have no idea where you found this bullshit information, but gender and sexual orientation are separate entities. Maybe there seem to be more gay trans men because gay bio men are flamboyant and and openly flaunt their sexuality. Why would that change with trans men? Maybe that’s why a good amount of hetero trans men choose to be stealth: because they don’t want to be viewed as the oversexual queer and happily still questioning gay trans men who has constant fluid identity. Maybe for the straight trans men, we get off on being normal member of society and have to battle daily with breaking the stereotypes that trans fags thoughtlessly create. I’d write more, but I’m not sure it’s worth explaining why this advice is not very good FOR ANYONE, let alone transmen of any orientation. Promote jealousy in your relationship by sleeping with a dyke. Are you for real? Looks like there’s a LOT more education to be had on this subject, since just about any numb minded nit can post anything and any like minded idiot will listen.

    • I Ride A Horsey

      I could tell you to “check yourself” but that is totally boring. Instead I am going to point out how much you sound like a sad self-loathing homosexual. (Not saying you ARE one. But they’re all updating their bear blogs with comments just like this as we speak.)

      “Maybe there seem to be more gay trans men because gay bio men are flamboyant and and openly flaunt their sexuality.”

      This is so rich. Comment of the year! Please, by all means, write more!

      • Zak

        Thank you for the love, I always knew the queer community was there for each other. My question to you is: what position are you in to think what I said was wrong, or as you put it ‘rich’? Are you a trans man of any orientation? Is that not a truthful and accurate statement? Granted, I know there’s much hype about gay transmen, and to me you are what you are and you may or may not follow the stereotypes you fall under. I urge you to open your eyes if you really don’t think that there SEEMS to be an abundance of gay trans men (especially after reading the Hussy’s post). And if you can agree with that, why do you think that is so? I think it has to do with the stereotypical parameters set by your sexual orientation: straight men can be aggressive and subdue inner turmoil etc, gay men can be flamboyant and outspoken about their inner turmoils etc.
        The truth is, I need not explain to you how or why satirical literature such as this article can be devistating to people like me. But the impact I am trying to make is much bigger than arguing childishly over whether or not ther other is acting like a homosexual on a blog that mostly queers review. I understand the fun and games one must make out of life’s not so glorious realities, I live that way everyday… Laughing it off because right now, what else can I (we) do? In the vast array of society, transgender people are not taken seriously. This fact is proven by all the human rights trans people STILL don’t have because society believes its possibly another gay fad, or that it’s an excuse to be something different from the norm. False statements such as “all trans men are gay” can really brutally hinder those who do not identify as gay solely because others in the queer community say that, so the rest of society believes it. It’s us against them, LGBTQ community should stick together and support the growth and expansion of proper education to the masses. It is the only way we will ever gain our natural born liberties as humans. You will have a field day with this statement I’m sure: I do not feel as though I am a part of the queer nation simply because I am a hetero male who was born with the wrong body parts. But society puts me into the queer group simply (not so simple that scientists haven’t figured it out) because I have taken the path of true happiness and have transitioned myself. So now whenever I am standing up for my gay guy friends at school, or debating with bigoted Christians about why my lesbian friends have not chosen to live this way, I appear to be and am a straight man standing up for the rights of gays, lesbians and queers. That hits the heterosexual nation with a blow from left field, especially of I enduldge them with the true facts of my biological history. If I can stand up for what’s morally right, like I did with my first post, then why can someone else from the queer community stand up and give the proper representation of who I am for everyone to read? There’s my 10 cents, I’m sure it’s more than you personally care to acknowledge, but hopefully I made a positive impact on someone else’s perspective. Look at the puzzle from every angle, then you will find the best solution. Good day.

        • Jay

          I cry a million tears for you, poor oppressed straight man.

        • CAN I GET YOUR NUMBER BABY
          HIT ME WITH THOSE SEVEN DIGITS

        • 1. There’s a queer nation? How do I move there?

          2. I’m sure your large quantity of gay guy friends <3 it when you talk about "gay fads" and "acting like a homosexual." You might consider trying out for brokestraightboys.com.

          3. Can I get this whole post on a fortune cookie?

    • X

      So… to prove to everyone how straight you are, you’re going to metaphorically anally rape us?

      • Zak

        No, not at all actually. But every trans person is raped of one thing or another. Must say, was a bit more optimistic that a different opinion would be digested and discussed rather than chewed up and spit out. My bad for posting a valid argument in a queer blog lol.
        On a serious note, if any of you would like to discuss or debate thoughts and ideas on the topic of all trans men (all orientations, personal issues) and the impact we could make if we decided to properly educate the masses, I would be very glad to speak with you. Clearly I have not the well rounded sociological views you all do, I challenge you to enlighten me.

        • “But every trans person is raped of one thing or another.”

          Why, I was raped of my favorite mittens just this morning by a scallywag on a velocipede!

          Wait, what??

  19. Toryn

    “ALL transmen are gay.” who are you “God”? I guess you screwed up when you made me – I must me the only heterosexual transguy. Oh well.
    This girl is the female version of a tool. What a fartbag.

  20. Erik

    Jeez. All transmen are not gay. Most straight transmen that I know date straight women. I started dating straight women a few years into my transition and haven’t looked back. It’s just a relationship, not a political statement.

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